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[chomping]
[contented sigh]
WOMAN: Yes, Kirk. We sent them 2 samples.
Good day, nurse. We have the therapy for my patient downstairs?
[telephone rings]
Ah, thank you.
P.A.: Dr. Berkholter, code blue in OR 2-5-2.
Dr. Berkholter.
Dr. Berkholter, code blue in OR 2-5-2.
That's a code blue in OR 2-5-2.
Dr. Berkholter, where the hell are you?
I am not fooling around.
[ding]
How's it going, Burt?
Oh, boring as usual.
Ah, you should be thankful for small favors.
Look at this. Now, I would kill to be in the field.
Burt...you have the soul of a poet.
Heh heh heh heh.
[buzzer]
Won't be a minute.
Wake up, Mr. Oliver.
Come on, Mr. Oliver. It's dinnertime.
You don't wanna miss your last meal, do you?
MAN: The Joint Chiefs of Staff
have decided to discontinue the C.H.U.D. research project.
The remaining C.H.U.D. is being terminated as we speak.
Sorry, Ted. Meeting adjourned.
Ah, I'm not into chemical war.
I agree. I'm more of a nuke man, myself.
Thank God.
I'm disappointed in you, doctor.
Had the C.H.U.D. research continued,
we could have had the ultimate in biochemical warfare,
an enzyme that would allow soldiers to go on fighting
even after they were clinically dead.
I'm afraid I don't share your enthusiasm, Colonel.
The C.H.U.D. enzyme stimulated the brain to a point of frenzy.
They showed a lot of spunk. That's all.
Colonel Masters, there was a reason
that these creatures were kept underground.
For instance, the little matter of the drug's...
cannibalistic side effects.
A small glitch.
What the hell?
[static buzzing]
[growling]
What?!
You sure?
All right, we're on our way.
What's the problem?
The C.H.U.D.'s escaped.
DOCTOR: Escaped?! good God!
All right, don't panic.
Just remember, we don't want to damage him.
Just freeze him till we can get him into the cryogenic chamber.
All right, men. Move out.
[weapon charging]
[whispering] And ready?
[yowl] Aah!
[cat yowling]
A--A cat.
Raah!
Get him! Get him! Get him! Get him!
All right, that's enough, gentlemen.
That's enough.
We've got him.
We've got him, haven't we?
Yes, sir. That's one frozen stiff.
Ahem.
[whistling a tune] What about that--that thing?
No, no, no. He's not my problem now.
If and when the project gets re-funded,
I'll defrost him and give him a jolt of electricity
that'll shock the synapses in the old noggin,
and those enzymes will get our buddy perking again.
Well, what if the project doesn't get re-funded?
Whoa. Do not even think it.
Now, in the meantime, we have to get our sleeping beauty back there in limbo
to the Winterhaven Center for Disease Control.
I never heard of the place.
COL. MASTERS: Government-funded research center in some podunk town.
[thunder]
MR. PROCTOR: And tomorrow, class, I have a treat in store for you.
We actually get to look at a cadaver from Lee's Funeral Home.
- Yecch! - Come on!
A dead body is nothing to be afraid of.
Well now. Let's see how we're doing with our experiments.
Mr. Williams, I'm sure you'd be delighted to seize this opportunity
to elevate your perpetually declining grade.
Uh, of course I would, sir.
[clears throat]
[frog croaks]
Mr. Proctor, fellow students.
Direct your attention, if you would, to the frog before me.
Poor Benjy here is completely without the use of his back legs.
ALL: Aww.
I hate it when he does this.
Is the frog really paralyzed?
Miss Norton, are you following Mr. Williams' experiment?
[Benjy croaks] Uh, yes, sir.
Here today I will demonstrate the essential symbiology.
- Symbiosis. - Between...
have you guessed it? Uh, Katie.
Between electricity and life?
Exactly.
- Whoa!
I noticed.
- Don't do that. - Don't--
- Aah! - Everybody out.
Fire!
Good thinking, Kev.
KEVIN: Well, I hope you're happy.
I thought you loved school.
This isn't school, Steve. This is punishment.
All school is punishment.
Now I'm gonna get warts.
So you wear a glove.
I can't believe I let you get me in these messes.
What messes?
You're a straight-A student.
Besides, if it wasn't for me, you'd never have any fun, man.
You call this fun?
Hey, at least he didn't suspend us.
Sometimes I wish my life were just a little more boring.
Sure you do.
You know, I think there's hope for you yet, man.
Between you and me, we can really make it out there.
Where?
The world, Kev!
Once we get out of this town, there'll be no stopping us.
Look, one's trying to get--
One got away!
Think about it. With my energy and your brains...
the world will cower at our feet.
Will you cut it out?
I can't see what I'm doing. Cut it out.
- Ow! - You okay?
Yeah, yeah. I just bumped into--
Oh, shit.
It's Mr. Proctor's dead guy.
Stand back, doctor.
Code blue. Code blue.
Don't do that.
- Oh... - Shit.
KEVIN: What do we do now?
Run!
Hey, watch it!
KEVIN: Brake! - I don't think he can hear you, man.
Oh he's heading for the highway and picking up speed!
Mr. Proctor's gonna know it was us. He's gonna expel us.
Or at least you.
Come on! Let's go!
DRIVER: What the hell?
Now what?
Well, we--we got two choices here.
I don't wanna hear this.
We--We can just tell Mr. Proctor
we sent his prize cadaver north on highway 51...
I don't wanna hear this.
Or...
we could find a replacement.
[rock music playing on car radio]
- How's Mr. Oliver? - Still dead, man.
What are cops doing in a hospital?
They're not cops, they're guards and it's not a hospital.
It's a disease control center.
I knew that.
Why don't we just tell Proctor what happened?
Have you no imagination? Do you wanna flunk his class?
Good point.
Hey. What's that?
Hello, beautiful.
Doesn't he look too-- uh, too skanky?
When you're dead, you're skanky.
It goes with the territory.
Oh, yeah.
All right. Let's just get him out and get him dressed.
Katie's waiting.
Uh, since the bio lab's gonna be locked,
what do you say we leave him at your house tonight, huh?
No, and not at Katie's, either.
You have to be the doctor. You get the body.
Right. [gas escapes]
KEVIN God, this guy is beefy.
KATIE: Oh great, the guy dripped all over the back seat.
STEVE: Ooh, he's oozing all over the place. Slippery little devil, isn't he?
KEVIN: Hold up your end.
STEVE: I guess this is what they mean by ''dead weight.''
Ha. Right.
KEVIN: Shh.
[door closes] Steven, is that you?
Uh, yeah, Mom.
I brought Kevin home to help me, uh, study.
Oh, Kevin. Come on in.
You keep them busy.
I'll take him to the basement.
Honey, it's Kevin.
Huh? Oh, hi, Kev. How are you doin'?
Okay. Okay. Good. Good.
We are watching a wonderful program on the Alaskan wilderness.
- Yeah. - You know what that is?
- Snow. - Right.
How 'bout those guys?
Penguins.
No. Those are seals.
[barking]
Come on, Jasper, beat it.
Shh.
Keep it down, will you?
Look at that. Know what that is?
- No, sir. - Salmon.
- I love salmon.
Just wait, Jasper. Tomorrow I'm bringing a pretty little pit bull home for you, you little maggot.
He'll turn you into dog chow in a minute, you little--ohh!
[barking]
TV: Penguins often race among themselves.
Oh, my goodness isn't this a fascinating program.
TV: Penguins are known to be able to run at speeds up to 20 miles per hour. . .
especially during hunting season.
[gunshot] Go, little guy.
Well, you can't win them all.
[whimpers]
I think Jasper wants to go out.
Don't get up. Uh, I'll let him out.
- Well, thank you. - Uh, thanks, Kevin.
[grunting]
Who's that?
No one.
He is too.
[gasps] You're having a nightmare.
I am not.
You are too.
You're still in bed, and you're having a nightmare.
The worst kind. The kind that can become real.
And if you don't forget it and get back into your room,
this boogeyman, who's really not here,
will come alive and kill you in your sleep.
God, I'm gonna hate myself for that when I'm an adult.
[water splashes]
Steve.
- Where is he? - He's in there.
- Oh, great! - Shh.
Keep your voice down, man.
What are we gonna do?
I don't know. I don't know. Let me think.
Okay, we could keep him in my room overnight.
Now the trick is getting him out. . .
Steven, are you through?
Yeah, Mom.
Well, I wanted to take my bath before dinner, dear.
Okay. I'll be out in a minute.
MR. WILLIAMS: Come quick, honey.
The penguins are mating.
All right, first we gotta drain that tub.
I don't want my mother sitting in some dead guy's bubble bath.
Great plan.
Hey, it's a start.
Aah! Aah!
Err? Err?
Aah!
[all stop screaming]
Is that rigor mortis?
[grunting]
Raah! Err!
Do you realize what we have done here?
I don't wanna think about it.
We have discovered the secret of life, pal.
Oh, I think I'm gonna be sick.
It's gotta have something to do with the ingredients of this bubble bath
and the electrical current.
Kevin, if we could analyze this...
Kevin...
we could get an A in biology.
What are you talking about?
Steve, you have a live dead guy lying in your bathroom.
[grunting]
Sitting in your bathroom.
[bone cracks] Err!
[winces]
This is great.
Now, listen, we'll take our Mr. Stiff down the back way, okay?
We'll get him in the basement.
It'll be a lot easier with him walking.
- Are you serious? - Of course I am.
Listen, man. Listen to me.
Go check to see if the coast is clear.
Come on, Kevin!
Life is an adventure, right?
Come on. Go.
Go, baby. Go.
Am I having a nightmare, Kevin?
We both are.
[shudders]
MR. WILLIAMS: That Eskimo looks like he's wearing a--
Ah ha ha! I thought he was wearing a tuxedo.
It's a penguin.
[Bud grunting]
TV: The penguins are off to a running start...
[grunting]
TV: At times, they mistake other species for their mates,
including polar bears, walruses and other warm-blooded mammals. . .
especially during those long...
You through, Steve?!
Uh, yeah, Mom, but don't come up.
Uh, Jasper had an accident. We're cleaning it up.
Who has a poodle nowadays, anyway?
It's almost time for dinner.
Would Kevin like to stay?
Come on, man. We gotta give Katie the good news.
What about our stiff?
We'll only be gone 20 minutes. What could happen?
Uh, Mom, w-we're gonna go have dinner with Katie.
Well, don't stay out too late, sweetheart.
There's a wonderful special on TV on the beginnings of life.
Did you clean that stuff up?
Yeah, Dad.
Uh, bye, Mrs. Williams. Bye, Mr. Williams.
- See you, Kevin. - Goodnight, Kevin.
Real sorry--
MR. WILLIAMS: I hate dogs.
[barks]
What's he sorry about?
I don't know, sweetheart.
It's not his poodle.
I think we should alert the media.
I mean, we could win a Noble for this.
It's No-bell.
I knew that.
I think we should come clean,
tell Mr. Proctor we lost his body,
and tell somebody a-about our friend at your house.
Steve, something is not right.
[growls] [whimpers]
So what have we got?
Well, we have a videotape of the kids who stole the body.
It's probably a prank of some sort.
- You have license plates? - Yeah.
Then we should have no problem tracking them down...
hopefully.
What is the, uh, worst-case scenario?
Well, if the body's recovered--
I asked for the worst case,
not a Smurf story.
Worst case?
The body is somehow reanimated and turns on its captors.
Jasper, puppy, puppy, puppy, num-num.
[grunting]
Sally!
You know, Steve got cut from the team because of academic probation
[Bud sobs] - I didn't know that.
DISPATCH: Attention, all units, we have a 1-7-6-2-3-9...
Hey.
Do we have news for you.
- What's that? - Steve. . .
DISPATCH: No, it's a 4-0-9-7...
[grunting]
How does he expect to go into construction if he has no follow-through?
Honey, maybe he'll grow out of it.
You're going to ruin your digestion.
Yeah, well...
I'll tell you, one more bad grade and I'm grounding him.
[disgusted grunt]
It's only broccoli, sweetheart.
Oh. I was wondering what it was.
[grunting]
[Jasper barks]
Meat.
There's meatloaf on your plate.
I know that.
[barking]
[grunting]
[flushes]
Ahh! Ahh ahh ahh.
Err?
Ah.
Now, this Kevin, you know,
he's a little bit of a wimp with his hands, but he thinks things through.
I like that, maybe some of that'll rub off on Steve.
Well, maybe Steven doesn't wanna go into construction.
What?
It's a family tradition.
I brought that kid into this world. I can take him out of it.
[grunting]
[playful squeal]
[gasps, growling]
Ehh. Ehh?
[barks]
Meat.
[barking]
Oh, did you try the wine, sweetheart?
Yeah.
It's an award-winning wine from Wisconsin.
Delicious.
[sniffing]
[whimpers]
[growling]
[sighs]
[arf]
- [arf arf] - Meat.
You know, I bet we all get some kind of special achievement award
for this, or something.
I don't think you should get involved.
Why not?
Because it could be dangerous, and because--
Because I'm a girl.
God, you guys really kill me.
Let me see if I've got this right, Kev.
Because I'm a girl, I'm supposed to just back off
and watch you guys have all the fun?
Maybe just cheer you on?
Hang on. I'll go get my pompoms.
You know, Kevin, you--you have a definite way with women.
A certain je ne sais quoi.
I'm just trying to keep her out of it.
Why? We've been together since we were kids.
One for all, all for one, right?
Pay that.
Because I like her a lot.
[whimpers]
[sniffing]
How many times do I have to call her?
Sally! Your dinner's getting cold!
[splashing]
Oh, great.
Wade!
The toilet's overflowing! It's ruining my mudpack!
MR. WILLIAMS: Oh, God.
Don't tell me Sally's been flushing her toys down the toilet again.
My mother never used mudpacks and beauty creams when I was a kid.
Your mother looked like Humphrey Bogart.
My mother never smoked a cigarette in her life.
[whimpers]
[grunting]
[barking]
[Bud growling]
[chomp] [Jasper howls]
[Bud gulps, sighs]
Good doggie.
[growling]
Suppose the C.H.U.D.s don't kill their victims.
Suppose they just...nibble.
It doesn't matter.
Once the enzyme's introduced into the brain--
and believe me, they like to get their teeth into grey matter.
Sort of like caviar--
Normal life ceases.
The C.H.U.D.ified brain, however,
lurches into a second life, an uncontrolled life.
So what you're saying basically is. . .
In a very real sense,
C.H.U.D.ism is a disease that cannot be stopped.
A plague if you will.
Well, there goes your perfect soldier theory.
Well then we just fry the bastards' brains, huh?
Ha ha ha! We'll just bring some more of those boys down here
and have ourselves a bar-be-cue, hmm? Huh?
Ha ha! Ha!
Get in. DISPATCH: 6-9-2-2-4-9-7.
- What's wrong? - Shh. Listen.
DISPATCH: Three kids from the Winterhaven Disease Control Center.
Keep your eyes open. We got an APB out on them, over.
Do they mention us?
No, but they described my car.
Well, we'll walk to school.
They described her car, Steve.
Then they probably have the license plate number.
So?
So then they have Katie's name.
My parents are gonna love this.
B in biology, C in history,
and A in body snatching.
Look, can your mom use your car, you use hers?
Yeah, I guess.
So here's what we do. We go back to my house.
We put the stiff in some clothes.
We barge in on the nearest television station
and bask in the glory of instant fame and fortune.
[both laugh]
Looks like he tried to get away.
[sighs]
Steve, are you sure about all this?
Absolutely.
[growling]
STEVE: Here, stiffy, stiff, stiff, stiff.
Here, stiffy, stiff, stiff.
Come on out.
It's time to make your TV debut.
KATIE: Steve, please tell me your dog has asthma.
[growls]
We don't want to cause panic.
Now we know what we're up against here.
All we have to do is, uh,
pick up those punk kids and get Bud back.
Bud?
Bud, the C.H.U.D.
It's Mr. Oliver's nickname.
TV, faint: Let's go, girls. Come on.
Come on.
Side to side, girls. Good.
Good. Keep it up.
Burn, burn, burn that fat away. That's good, girls.
Oh, you have never seen an ounce of fat on your own body
You little neo-nazi anorexic leotard slut.
TV: That's good.
And knees. Get 'em up, up, up, girls.
We work out like this 'cause it makes us feel so good.
Really? [laughs] Well, we work out
because we eat like a bull moose and drink like orca, the killer whale.
TV: Now the elbows.
[cat yowls, clang]
Jogger, kitty, kitty, is that you?
5 more minutes of this,
I can have a cigarette and order a pizza.
Oh, hell with it. I'm gonna smoke now. Yes.
1, 2, 3.
Mommy's coming, Jogger. We're gonna have some din-din.
Kitty, kitty, kitty. [grunting]
Dinnertime, you and me. Big date.
Listen for this noise. I know you'll come home for this.
You know that sound, don't you?
Num, num, num, num, num.
You and me, another night.
Come on. Kitty, kitty.
Brunch.
Jogger. Kitty, kitty, kitty.
Here's your feast.
[grunting]
Oh, my.
What big feet you have.
Oh, my.
What big thumbs you have.
Do you live in the neighborhood?
Are you heterosexual? Heh heh heh.
Do you have a job?
Well, what's your name?
Uh...
Oh.
Bud.
Uhh.
[screaming]
Raah!
[chomp]
[gobbles]
[sighs]
[tunes radio stations]
WOMAN: In other news, a rabid French poodle
has been stalking the suburban Winterhaven area.
On the nuclear front...
[sniffs]
Yech.
Jogger.
Dinnertime.
The hell with all of you!
This is the worst day of my life.
Wife left me...
of course, that's not so bad.
At least I've got my health.
Hey, buddy, this is not your bar,
[growling] Okay? ?comprende?
- Aah! - [chomp]
# I'm a-walkin' #
# I'm a-talkin' #
# I'm a-stalkin' #
# comin' to your room tonight #
# I will find you #
# Shadows blind you #
# Close behind you #
# Comin' over for a bite #
[hiccups]
# Bud the C.H.U.D. #
[yawning] Listen, I can't keep my eyes open anymore.
Me, either.
I say we give up, turn ourselves in.
What? And let someone else go down in the anals of history?
Annals. Annals of history.
I knew that.
KATIE: We'll just continue the search in the morning, okay?
[birds chirping]
It's cute, isn't it?
$4.00 for that? Hm.
Well, that's something I got for Sally. It's Halloween tonight.
Oh, yeah.
[mailman whistling] What's she gonna be?
She wanted to be a bee.
Ah. Heh.
[Jasper growls]
Candy-ass little poodle.
MRS. WILLIAMS: Honey, pass me the fashion section.
Here you go.
[growling]
Yeah, nice haircut.
[growling]
Easy, boy.
Now, easy, doggie.
Nice doggie.
What kind of a bee does she wanna be?
- A killer bee. - That's cute.
You know, I wonder what I should wear to Mary's party tonight.
Can I have some syrup? [growling]
MAILMAN: Aah!
I don't know, honey. You like this dress?
I hate it.
Thanks.
See, there's no fruit in this.
Aah! Aah!
What are those?
Prunes, honey. They're good for you.
They look like olives.
Hi, honey. Mailman come yet?
He's gone.
[snarling]
Prune has a pit in it.
[tires skid]
KEVIN: I don't believe this. My whole life--
KATIE: Kevin, shut up.
KEVIN: Ruined.
Aren't you guys supposed to be in school?
- Fire drill. - Bomb scare.
Oh.
You're not dreaming, sweetheart.
You're awake. See? We're walking down the stairs together, right?
School holiday?
The plumbing broke down.
We had the same problem here last night.
Mom.
Steven.
Mom.
That's your fourth doughnut.
Sixth, but who's counting. Let's go find that corpse.
[tires skidding]
Expecting an invasion?
Shit.
[doorbell]
Hi.
Good morning, Mrs. Williams.
This is Colonel Ted Masters and I'm Colin Graves.
We're from the government, and we were wondering
if we could speak to your son, Steve.
Oh, my. Uh, Steven!
Steven!
Well, I think he's probably already gone to school.
Is he in some kind of trouble?
You can say that again, and he's not in school.
Now, if you see him, you just tell him from me,
that he's dead meat.
Well, isn't that a little harsh?
Yes, uh, ma'am, it seems that he and some friends
have stolen some government property from a top secret installation and we were just--
That's enough, Graves.
Just tell him to return my merchandise.
Ma'am. [stomps]
MRS. WILLIAMS: Government property?
Top-Secret?
Dead meat?
[tires skidding]
KEVIN: That military guy sounded serious, Steve.
So let's get serious and find our stiff.
But where?
KATIE: We'll start downtown.
Right.
[sighs]
Uhh!
Nice cut.
[sniffs]
[sighs]
[tires skidding]
Ohh. Ohh.
[rats squeaking]
STEVE: Rats.
Look, how much trouble do you think we can get in?
I mean, it's not like we kidnapped anybody, right?
I'm not up on the penalty for snatching top-secret bodies.
Be serious.
Hey, hey, hey, lighten up, will ya?
We'll find the guy.
I mean it's not like he's gonna blend in with the crowd.
You know, in my day, if I cut school,
my father would have taken me to the woodshed.
You better believe it.
Excuse me, sir.
They don't have woodsheds anymore.
Well that's beside the point. Keep looking.
KEVIN: Are you going to the Halloween dance tonight?
Yeah, sure, if we're not in jail.
KEVIN: With who?
With myself. Come on, Kev.
[sighs] Well, I was just wondering
if you need an escort--
Now, if I was a dead guy--
Where would you go if you were a dead guy?
KATIE: I don't know. A Grateful Dead concert.
[sarcastic laugh]
Shut up.
If you need an escort...
Kev, I just thought we'd all go together.
[sighs]
[crack]
[growls] [splashing]
KATIE: What if we don't get the body back on time?
STEVE: Proctor's gonna kiss our butts
when he finds out what we've done.
[hisses]
Sorry.
My God. She looked really weird.
It's those health food freaks.
She probably doesn't have enough meat in her diet.
Speaking of meat...
Oh, no. Are we going to Bossy's again?
How's business, Don?
First customer.
Oh, really?
I don't know. I guess people'd rather go out to the mall now
and pay $14, $15 for one of those moussed-up, styled hair jobs than to come downtown,
and people are afraid to come downtown.
Shoot. I remember when folks used to sleep
with their doors unlocked around here.
Remember that?
- No. - Yeah.
Yeah, folks could leave their keys in the car,
sometimes with the engine running.
You givin' razor cuts now, Don?
That's very progressive.
I could take a fashion risk.
Yeah.
You know, I can remember when my daddy
used to take all of our valuable possessions
and he'd put 'em out in the street every night
before he went to sleep.
They'd be there the next morning.
[sighs] You don't talk to strangers nowadays, neither. No, sir.
I believe if a stranger pulled up beside me
in car right now and asked me to climb inside, I don't think I'd do it.
Unless he had really good candy,
like the pecan logs or those red licorice whips.
Boy, those things are good, aren't they?
Hot, juicy--ahh!
[chomp]
Now, in my day, if I stole a corpse,
my father...
GRAVES: What the hell is that?
Oh, the just the goddamnedest ugliest-looking barber in the world.
Like I said, kids have to be taught respect for authority.
Who wants burgers?
BOTH: I do. I do.
I got a bronco, a bowser, a boffo, and two babies.
[groaning]
Did you check those guys out?
I'll never complain about my skin again.
[groaning]
What'll it be, folks?
[confused grunts]
Meat! Meat!
Heh. Yeah, well, we have a variety of burgers here at Bossy's.
Just let me know what kind of meat you want.
Baby, binge, bouncy, bodacious.
Bobby! Bobby!
[all growl]
Now, this is what I call health food.
Dude, you're dripping on your chest.
STEVE: It's genetic, babe.
Where's my fries?
[C.H.U.D.s clamoring]
KEVIN: Holy cow.
STEVE: What? What?
KATIE: What? What's the matter?
Nothing, I was just thinking about Proctor's class.
He's gonna have us in detention for--
No. He's gonna kill us for losing that body.
STEVE: Check it out. Those deadheads chowed down mighty quickly.
[groaning]
Uhh.
KATIE: Kevin, you worry too much.
STEVE: Yeah, we'll find him.
That's him!
Follow that stiff.
No more woodsheds, eh?
No, sir.
[groans]
Lunch, gentlemen?
All right, Sam.
COL. MASTERS: I can't believe that we can't find them in a town this size.
Maybe we should just let the local police know.
Oh, right, right, right, and let the whole world know
about our illegal, neurotoxic experiments?
Illegal?
Well, technically those pursuits were outlawed by the Geneva Convention
although back then, they were mainly talking about gas and germ warfare.
That was before the big enzyme breakthrough.
Then of course, there's the-- ahem--
other problem of the mutations.
Mutations? Wait a second now.
You never mentioned that before.
Well, creating the perfect buck private
is no box of chocolates, mister.
All right, yeah. Got it.
[C.H.U.D.s growling]
Hey! What the hell's going on?!
Wh-What's the matter with you guys?!
[glass shattering] MAN: Hey!
I'll buy you a hamburger!
What the hell is that?
C.H.U.D.s. C.H.U.D.s.
Oh, is this a great job or what?
Shit.
SAM: Stop! No more!
Here, dummy. Shoot the trunk.
Forget this. Keep the food.
COL. MASTERS: C.H.U.D. frying time!
Haul ass, Sam.
You know what this means?
We are going to have to arm the men with woks.
Right, Hometown, this is Masters.
Yeah, we have a situation down here.
C.H.U.D.
I need men down here.
I need flamethrowers, nitro guns,
the whole enchilada.
Yes, and don't tell the president.
He wouldn't understand anyway.
We'll start a sweep of the area.
Sam, head for the outskirts.
We'll go north.
You up for a ride to the country, boy? Huh?
Why not?
Well, we fried a bunch of them here, but there may be more.
We must have gone past them.
What a blast.
KATIE: There's the truck.
STEVE: Let's go reclaim our dead guy.
KEVIN: Where the hell are we?
KATIE: I don't know, but I don't like it.
KEVIN: I don't see him anywhere.
STEVE: Let's check the barn.
[groans]
Buddy!
Ha ha!
Guys, it's Buddy.
Wh--am I glad to see you, pal.
Look, what do you say we go for a ride
with ol' Stevie, Kevie, and Katie here, huh?
[roars]
I don't think he wants to go.
Ka-tie.
[gasps]
He likes you.
You wanna chat him up?
KATIE: Do you want a fat lip?
KEVIN: Guess who's coming to dinner.
KATIE: I just lost my appetite.
Whoa. We're talking major sushi action here.
These guys look serious, Steve.
[farmer whistling a tune]
Hey!
What in the Wide World of Sports is going on in here?
Whatever it is, we're not part of it.
[racks shotgun]
Yum, yum, yum.
Back off, Bucky.
Now you kids take Mr. Smile here and get the hell out of my barn.
Raah!
STEVE: Hey, this guy shows a lot of spunk.
[chomp]
KEVIN: Come on, Katie.
STEVE: I'm with you guys.
[C.H.U.D.s hissing]
Get back. Hey!
[Katie screams]
Aah! Aah!
Steve! Do something, Steve.
- Do something. - Like what?
Yaah!
Aah! Unh!
[sighs]
Ye-uhh!
[whimpers]
Come on, Katie.
- Let's get out of here. - I'm with you guys.
[soldiers clamoring]
This C.H.U.D.'s for you.
SOLDIER: Hold your position.
Ciao.
Chow.
[mooing]
Sir! Sir, they're attacking! What should we do?!
Freeze him! Freeze him!
After them, men. Destroy all the C.H.U.D.s.
Holy cow. Suppose our stiff was carrying some sort of disease.
We picked him up from the Disease Control Center.
KATIE: We could have started a plague.
What's up? Steve Williams, nice to meet you.
Cut the crap. Where's the C.H.U.D.?
Chud?
Keep it up, you assholes.
By the time you get out of the slammer you'll all be senior citizens.
All right, move out. Move out! I'm taking you in.
Move out.
Where are we going?
In. In and out.
Uh, sir--
Shut up, wiseass.
Uh, General, um...
Do you know what happens to pretty boys like you in prison?
Your Royalness--
What?! What is it?
Hot damn, look at that.
He's forcing his body temperature up to melt the ice.
This guy is fucking fantastic!
Hey! Hey, wait! Stop!
Whoa!
GRAVES: Sir, I got one.
We caught another.
We got one, too.
I lost one.
This is worse than I thought. It's awful.
Awful? It was beautiful.
You should have seen it, Graves.
They're mutating, changing.
The mutations have been transferred from the original enzymes.
Wait a second. That means--
That's right. They're getting stronger.
Soon there'll be no stopping them. It was great.
Ahem.
All right.
All right, you new men,
these are C.H.U.D.s,
very hungry people...
with bad complexions
and a brain that doesn't know when to stop.
Any questions?
MAN 1: Where's the exit transfer?
MAN 2: How do we get out of here?
Now, your guns are useless.
Freezing them will slow them down.
Then whoosh!
You got it?
Now, we've got our work cut out for us.
They're going to be all over this town, and they're attracted to large crowds.
A large gathering, a rally,
a football game will look like a buffet lunch to these slimeballs.
Let's get rolling.
Gotta be able to cut this nest out by breakfast.
COL. MASTERS: You two, take the van.
You, take the kids' car back to headquarters.
We'll regroup there while waiting for reinforcements.
Let's go!
Can't have these things driving about town, can we?
All right. Move out.
KATIE: I know my rights. I wanna make a telephone call.
STEVE: Yeah. Drop us off at the nearest phone booth,
and can I borrow a dime, please?
Oops.
Meat.
# I'm a-walkin' #
# I'm a-talkin' #
# I'm a-stalkin' #
# Comin' to your room tonight #
KATIE: Can I please call my parents?
COL. MASTERS mocking: No, you can't.
''Be a doctor. Be a doctor. Be a doctor.''
I am. I'm--I'm personal surgeon to the United States Post Office. See?
[mic feedback] Victim is, uh, Norvel Laurel.
Occupation: Postman.
Hate mail finally got you, didn't it?
Ah ha ha ha ha!
Age: Uh, 42.
Race: Caucasian.
Description of wound: Some--uh, several large bites.
Probably a canine.
No, scratch the canine.
He probably did that to himself. [laughs]
All right, I'm going into the chest.
Ahh.
Feet and hands inside for the ride.
[grunts]
Ahh! [chomp]
[hiccup]
COL. MASTERS: If you cooperate, we'll go easy on you.
If not, we'll make your life a living hell.
STEVE: Sounds fair.
[hiccup]
Tastes great.
Less filling.
[both laughing]
[conversations and laughter]
MAN: What the heck is this?
[patrons screaming]
[chomp, burp]
You punks have no idea what you've done.
Look, we didn't even know he was a chump.
- C.H.U.D. - Until a few hours ago.
Yeah. We thought we brought him back to life
with my mom's bubblebath and hairdryer.
That's ridiculous.
Ah, yeah, right, like government-sponsored zombies aren't.
You...you see if you can talk some sense into kids.
[barking]
Hey, puppy.
You lost?
Aw, poor little guy.
Come here, puppy, uppy.
Come on. Come on.
[sternly] I said to come here.
[growling] I was only kidding.
I'm not gonna hurt you.
Come on.
Aw, I know.
I can get you a sandwich from inside.
You wanted somethin to eat?
Aw, is the--
[screaming] [snarling]
GIRL: I got some peppermint!
SECOND GIRL: I got an apple.
BOY: I got a rock.
[crack]
# Smell my feet #
# Give me something good to eat #
GIRL: I got a popcorn ball!
BOY: I got a punch in the nose.
MR. WILLIAMS: I hate Halloween.
He's just kidding, honey.
[all roar]
Now, look, I want you to tell me
everything you know about this corpse, okay?
Anything that will help us track it down--
behavioral patterns, personality quirks, anything.
Well, he eats people.
I guess that could be interpreted as a personality quirk.
This isn't funny, Mister.
I mean, you have unleashed a very real threat here, okay?
We're not just talkin' about some animated corpse.
You got it?!
Everything it infects mutates!
We're really sorry.
Oh. Okay.
YOUNG GIRL: I got a black licorice.
[mutters]
TEENAGE GIRL: Hey, you guys, look. There's the poster.
TEENAGE BOY: Halloween dance.
Hey, you guys wanna go?
TEENAGE BOY: Hope the band doesn't suck.
Small fry.
Yeah.
[little boy cries out]
Bitchin' costume.
[sighs]
Eat 'em up. Eat 'em up.
ALL: Yum, yum, yum.
Trick-or-treating?
Oh, Jesus Christ. I forgot all about Halloween.
KIDS, C.H.U.D.ified: Trick or treat.
[knocking on door] [tweeting]
Oh, Mother, I reckon we've got to let them in.
Heh heh ha ha.
[kids roar]
My, oh, my. Things that go bump in the night.
Come on. Come on, kids.
We've got such surprises and goodies and treats.
Take all you want.
All right. Here.
- All you scary demons and ghoulies. - Help yourself, have some candy.
Lovely candy.
Oh. Ohh!
Oh, no!
[tweeting]
- Rosebud. - [chomp]
[big band music playing]
Ohh.
[both gasping]
[chomping]
[wife screaming]
All right, man the fort, Graves. I'm off to town.
Well, wait. Wait. What's up?
It's Halloween. The streets are crawling with kids.
Oh, great.
Let's hope we can keep them from becoming snacks.
Yeah, but how do we kill them?
Who the hell knows?
Man, that's the sport of the hunt.
That's the thrill of war.
We are facing an enemy unlike anything anyone has ever faced before.
Remember, plan B.
[door opens and closes]
Little high-strung, isn't he?
All right, Sam. Let's head for town.
Ha ha! We're going to see some real action tonight.
Okay, you got it.
[chuckles]
Countin' on you, Sam.
As a guy who never said ''no'' to Napalm. Ha ha!
[big band music playing]
There's a costume dance at the high school tonight.
- Oh, no. - What?
A couple hundred people should be there.
There'll be music. There'll be noise.
- The C.H.U.D.s will definitely-- - Oh, jeez. Oh, jeez!
That would be a perfect feeding spot.
I mean, that dance will be like a beacon for the C.H.U.D.s.
- A crowd of people. - A crowd of C.H.U.D.s.
- Fast food. - Fast death.
All hell will break loose if we don't get to the dance before...
- The C.H.U.D.s-- - Wreak havoc.
- Wreak? - I think it's Latin.
You know, if the C.H.U.D.s increase their numbers--
There'll be no stopping them. The end of civilization.
A world filled with zombies.
[music playing inside]
The living dead.
So disgusting.
And yet I can't help but feel sorry for him.
GRAVES: Get me Masters.
Now!
Wreak?
Yaah! [screams]
[Bud growling]
Are you okay?
Come on. We gotta get to the high school.
Well, what can we do?
We can evacuate the kids.
At least we've got speed on our side.
Okay. You take the lead car. I'll get the men.
Aah!
Maybe not.
Remember, it's not just a town full of zombies you're after!
You're after the worst threat this civilization has ever experienced!
Oh, God! I knew I should've been a plumber.
[playing rock 'n' roll]
# Well, come from America, a little romance #
# Everybody's doin' this brave new dance #
# Do it in the alley, they do it in the street #
# It's a brave new dance, hear me #
# It's a brave new dance #
# Down on our knees #
# It's a brave new dance #
KEVIN: Can't you go any faster?
KATIE: This is a government van, not a Maserati.
STEVE: There's nothing to kill them with at the school.
Well, there has to be. There has to be.
Wait a minute. Check out this stuff.
This is the stuff the feds used at the barn.
[growling]
[rock 'n' roll music audible from dance]
Buffet.
[C.H.U.D.s growling]
# This is an animal move #
# Brave new dance #
# We're dreaming our land gives through #
# A brave new dance #
# Shake your legs #
# Brave new dance #
# Just get to the battle and get crazy #
# But do a brave new dance #
# Do a brave new dance #
# Into the breach right here #
# Do a brave new dance #
# Go to la guerre like those French kids #
# Goin' to battle, don't take no shit #
[tires skid]
KATIE: There's nobody on the streets.
Where is everyone?
STEVE: This is creepy, like the end of the world or something.
KEVIN: Just go. Go!
Come on. We're almost there.
Wait. I have an idea.
Katie, drive the van up to the loading dock.
Eat 'em up, eat 'em up.
ALL: Yum, yum, yum.
STEVE: We're too late.
KEVIN: No, we're not. No, we're not.
Just drive to the loading dock.
But they're already there.
# Get your hands on the wheel #
# I gotta hold them up here #
Can I see your ticket, Bud?
Ticket?
Hey. What, are you guys from Midvale High or somethin'?
Look, I don't want any trouble.
[growls]
That'll be 3 bucks apiece.
3, 6, 9...
[all growl]
And the dog has got to stay out here.
[all growl]
Okay, okay. You can take the dog inside.
[knuckles cracking]
[all roar]
[chomping]
STEVE: What? No valet parking?
KATIE: Steve.
We don't have much time.
Right.
- We gotta act fast. - Right.
We get this equipment near the gym.
STEVE: Yeah.
We gotta isolate the C.H.U.D.s from the other kids.
- Why? - We can stop 'em with this stuff.
Sounds like a plan.
- It does? - Yeah.
- Right. - Right.
[applause and cheering]
Shhh!
SINGER: I am a hungry man.
[band playing rock 'n' roll]
C.H.U.D.s: Let's party!
Great costumes.
Who are they?
Is that my father?
[chomp, grunting]
[Katie gasps]
Gross.
- Mr. Proctor's one of them. - Shoot him!
KATIE: We're gonna have to kill him.
- Great. Aw, great! - What are we gonna do, Kevin?
- Can't you work that thing? - Throw him some lab rats or something.
- I'm trying to! - Turn this on.
Quick! [electric hum]
Suck on these.
[groaning]
[laughing]
[growls]
[screaming]
Get him, Steve!
[Proctor grunting]
I--I can't hold him down.
Hold him down on this!
[gasping]
[laughing]
- I think it's gonna work. - Shoot him.
Come on! Come on.
KATIE: Kevin!
STEVE: Jeez, he was ugly before, but...
[gasping]
Nice shot.
Yeah, but how long is he gonna stay like that?
Who cares. Let's just get the hell out of here.
Wait. Steve, I wanna try something.
Are you crazy? Come on.
What are you gonna do, Kev?
- What are you... - Come on.
Are you crazy?
- What are you doing! - Just a second!
He always was the teacher's pet.
- God. - Go! Run!
KATIE: We destroyed a C.H.U.D.
You know, if he were alive,
he would've given us an A for that.
Come on. We don't have much time.
KEVIN: I know what happened.
The introduction of electricity shorts out their supercharged brains.
Once the body's on ice it becomes a closed system.
Then the contained electrical charge causes an implosion.
If we can get them in the pool, I have an idea.
Sounds like a plan.
- It does? - Yeah.
Okay, over there under the clock.
Now all we have to do is get them in the pool.
- How? - We need bait.
My locker's right over here.
No, you can't do that.
Yes, I can, Kevin.
- He's right, Katie. - No, he's not, Steve.
I don't want you to get hurt.
Thanks, Kevin. Really.
I'm gonna go myself.
If you were a C.H.U.D., who would you prefer for a meal?
Please be careful.
Listen, I like that you care, really.
Now I'm gonna go change.
STEVE: Can I watch?
[sighs]
Okay, let's go to work.
How can we be sure we'll get 'em all in the pool?
That's up to Katie now.
[snaps] We gotta barricade that corner.
Come on. Help me move this.
- Move that? - Come on!
KEVIN: Push!
[whistles] Hey! Zombies!
[band stops playing]
Well, who wants a bite?
Come and get it.
C.H.U.D.s: Ka-tie.
Yum, yum, yum.
Oh, shit.
[growling]
[screaming]
Hit the lights.
Why? They're afraid of the dark?
They might be. Hit the lights.
KEVIN: My God. The door's locked.
- Katie, come on! - Get in.
Close the door! Close the door! Close the door!
Katie, get out of the pool!
Get out of the pool!
Get them in the pool.
Katie, get out!
Hold on to the life preserver. Okay, get 'em in the pool.
Katie, get out of the pool!
KEVIN: Mr. Graves.
Mr. Graves.
[roars]
Get the tanks in the pool!
- Did you unscrew them? - Sure. I think. . .
Damn it, Steve.
Keep them in the pool.
[chomp] Aah!
Now! Kevin, now!
Ice cube time, boys!
[groaning]
Down, you rats.
[crackling]
[gasps]
Unreal.
[cracking] Kevin!
Katie, over here!
Over here!
Yuhh.
KEVIN: They're melting.
Quick, introduce some electricity to the ice.
How?
Um, the clock!
Kevin.
[joints cracking]
[roar]
[sobbing]
Be careful. Don't let 'em touch each other.
Come on!
Ok, now, the positive charge has to be grounded to the ice.
The negative charge will be put into the--
Or is it to the, uh-- it's, uh--
The negative charge would then be--
To close the circuit, the negative charge.
What?!
Just give me a second!
Okay, the water become ionated with positive electrons--
[Katie screams]
Holy cow. Here.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Hi.
[charges]
Why isn't it working? Okay, again. Again.
Please.
[cracking]
Damn this thing. Come on. Work. Work.
[scream] Katie, hold on!
Damn it, come on!
No!
[tearing]
What's wrong with this thing?
Come on!
Uhh!
[gasps]
Please.
It's working.
Freeze!
Hold on, Katie.
Stand back.
KEVIN: Ha ha ha!
You're dust.
[electricity crackling]
KEVIN: It's working.
It's working. It's great.
STEVE: It is?
Katie, come on down. Katie.
KEVIN: Beautiful.
Yes.
It's working. It's working!
KEVIN: It's over.
[sobs] Hey. You okay?
It's all right. It's over. It's okay.
It's okay. [gasps]
Hi.
STEVE: Oh.
[Katie sobbing]
Mmm-uhh!
Okay, let's go.
Come on. Move 'em. Move 'em. Move 'em.
DISPATCH: 1-3-9-9.
1300 Saturn.
What happened?
Some nut cases attacked the kids.
Murderers?
Maybe some escapees from the loony bin.
I bet it's people from that hospital.
I always said they keep crazy people up there.
STEVE: This is all my fault.
No, it wasn't.
Yes, it was.
What can I say to make it better?
What do people say when they screw up?
I'm sorry.
Hey, what are friends for, huh?
Why do I feel a song coming on here?
[siren approaches]
Hey, isn't that Steve over there?
Thank God he's all right.
Uh-oh.
[birds chirping]
So who wants a ride to school?
I do. I do.
Where's Steve?
He's gone.
What do you mean gone? Where?
He left this note.
STEVIE: Amigos, I screwed up royally the other night
which is getting to be a habit with me.
I figure if I�m gonna change my ways,
I'd better change my life,
so I'm off to see the world.
Hey. Lucky world, huh?
Anyhow, you two take care.
And P.S., has any one ever told you two
you make an outrageous couple?
adios, Steve.
[dog barks]
Man, I'm gonna miss that guy.
Yeah. Me, too.
[Jasper growls]
WOMAN: Ride?
[snarling]
Shh.
I'm undercover. Shh.
[whimpers]
Shh.
Suppose we drive until dark
and stop somewhere for a bite to eat.
SINGER: I am a hungry man!
# Ah-Mmm #
# The sun has set #
# Day begins to die #
# October moon #
# Climbin' in the sky #
# The time is here #
# Night of the undead #
# What's with the fear? #
# Hide beneath your bed #
# I'm a-walkin' #
# I'm a-talkin' #
# I'm a-stalkin' #
# Comin' to your room tonight #
# I will find you #
# Shadows blind you #
# Close behind you #
# Comin' over for a bite #
# Bud the C.H.U.D. #
# Mm, there's no escape #
# I'm loose in the street #
# I'm dyin' for someone good to eat #
# I smell your blood #
# Burnin' in the night #
# You can't hold out till the mornin' light #
# I'm a-walkin' #
# I'm a-talkin' #
# I'm a-stalkin' #
# Comin' to your room tonight #
# I will find you #
# Shadows blind you #
# Close behind you #
# Comin' over for a bite #
# Bud the C.H.U.D. #
Good night.
[growls]
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